Jokes4U - 18

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.

As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks.

"No, not at all" the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."

"Oh that's all right" the woman says.

"Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Useless Facts...

It's Holiday weekend and you may end up at a cookout or some type of function, here are some useless fact to annoy/amaze your friends with

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

All porcupines float in water.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.

The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was called "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby.

It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

A visitor to San Francisco.. standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog.

The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car.

The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up.

He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat.

You must really love that dog."

The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick that dogs butt -- I'm just trying to find out which end is which."