LasVillas one day when a pig ran out in front of their car. The =
chauffeur tried to avoid it, but couldn't, and the pig was killed. The =
dictator ordered the driver to go to the bohio (i.e., farmhouse) and =
explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later the =
chauffeur staggered back to the jeep with his clothes in total disarray. =
He was holding a bottle of rum in one hand, a cigar in the other and
smiling happily.
What happened?," asked Fidel.
"Well," the chauffeur replied, "the guajiro (i.e., farmer) gave me the
rum, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter
made mad, passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?," asked Fidel.
The driver replied, "I said, 'I'm Fidel Castro's chauffeur, and I just
killed the pig'."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go
into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor
examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the
bottle?" "Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He =
pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed =
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder
this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk." "Naturally," she said, =
"I'm his aunt. But I'm glad I came."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The US Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of
government bonds:
1. The Al Gore Bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity,
And....
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving
record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug
tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _________________ DATE OF BIRTH _________
2. HEIGHT ___ WEIGHT ___ I.Q. ____ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE #
__________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent____________
If No, EXPLAIN
____________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married
________________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires?______=20
A waterbed? ________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button =
ring, or a tattoo?_____________________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to =
you?
________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
________________________________________
12. Church you attend ________________________=20
How often do you attend?______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and
priest/rabbi/minister?_____________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers
are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone, ever, I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is:
________________________________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
________________________________________
c) A woman's place is in the:
_______________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
________________________________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is:
_________________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue.
Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
____________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE =
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE =
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT =
POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please
do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before
your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If
your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch
your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Report Card?
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her
marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher
had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she
has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going
to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to
try it out on her mother."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.
Husband : "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because
I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
Dentist : "You're a brave man, now show me which tooth it is."
The husband turned to his wife and said: "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Fly The Funny Skies
>From a Southwest Airlines employee...
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY-city. To operate your
seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt you've ever seen, and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
:-D
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now
PAINFULLY
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United
Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please
be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by
falling luggage that shifted during our so called 'touch down.'"
:-D
On an American Airlines flight, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day, during the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it,
and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA
and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to YYY-city. Please remain
in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxies
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
:-D
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
:-D
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for
the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the
plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
:-D
After entering very turbulent weather, just about 100 ft. from the
ground a plane tilted up abruptly onto the right wing. The overhead
bins opened and luggage and packages came out, and everyone was screaming.
God righted the plane, because it couldn't have been the captain who did
it. Once on the ground, the captain got on the PA and said: "Sorry,
folks! But that was better than the last landing when I had to change
shorts."
---------------------------------------------
DIRT ROADS
What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads
have been paved. There's not a problem in America today, crime,
drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied,
if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.
People who live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life
is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth
sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home ...
a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.
We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if
our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids,
from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in
our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two
dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5
barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no
drive by shootings.
Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did
not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists
were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or
the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your
windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience.
Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in
your car for a quart of milk, you walked to the barn for your
milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box. What if it
rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best
part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted
marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony road on Daddy's
shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than
anybody.
At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words
tasted like soap. Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads
more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the
end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was
in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would
fill it with too much zucchini.
At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime
income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to
hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar
...
always you got a new friend ... at the end of a Dirt Road.
Paul Harvey
------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director=20
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics=20
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and
sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of
year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks.
Okay???
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. =
Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party.
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
with full pay.
Cheers
