New Jokes

Fidel Castro and his chauffeur were cruising along a country road in
LasVillas one day when a pig ran out in front of their car. The =
chauffeur tried to avoid it, but couldn't, and the pig was killed. The =
dictator ordered the driver to go to the bohio (i.e., farmhouse) and =
explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later the =
chauffeur staggered back to the jeep with his clothes in total disarray. =
He was holding a bottle of rum in one hand, a cigar in the other and
smiling happily.

What happened?," asked Fidel.

"Well," the chauffeur replied, "the guajiro (i.e., farmer) gave me the

rum, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter

made mad, passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?," asked Fidel.

The driver replied, "I said, 'I'm Fidel Castro's chauffeur, and I just

killed the pig'."


A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go

into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor

examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the

bottle?" "Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He =

pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed =

examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder

this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk." "Naturally," she said, =

"I'm his aunt. But I'm glad I came."


The US Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of

government bonds:

1. The Al Gore Bond, which has no interest.

2. The Monica Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity,


3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.



NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless

accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving

record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug

tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _________________ DATE OF BIRTH _________

2. HEIGHT ___ WEIGHT ___ I.Q. ____ G.P.A.______



4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent____________



7. Number of years your parents have been married


8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires?______=20

A waterbed? ________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button =

ring, or a tattoo?_____________________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?


10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to =



11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?


12. Church you attend ________________________=20

How often do you attend?______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and


14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers

are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone, ever, I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is:


b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:


c) A woman's place is in the:


d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:


e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is:


( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue.

Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine

fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?







Signature( That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for

processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please

do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before

your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If

your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen

wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch

your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?:

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...


The Report Card?

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her

marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher

had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she

has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going

to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to

try it out on her mother."


A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.

Husband : "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because

I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

Dentist : "You're a brave man, now show me which tooth it is."

The husband turned to his wife and said: "Open your mouth and show the

dentist which tooth it is, dear."


Fly The Funny Skies

>From a Southwest Airlines employee...

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY-city. To operate your

seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It

works just like every other seatbelt you've ever seen, and if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen

masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,

and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,

secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling

with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our

destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to

have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody

loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now


aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United

Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please

be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by

falling luggage that shifted during our so called 'touch down.'"


On an American Airlines flight, on a particularly windy and bumpy

day, during the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it,

and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA

and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to YYY-city. Please remain

in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxies

what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the



Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for

the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the

plane's fault. It was the asphalt."


After entering very turbulent weather, just about 100 ft. from the

ground a plane tilted up abruptly onto the right wing. The overhead

bins opened and luggage and packages came out, and everyone was screaming.

God righted the plane, because it couldn't have been the captain who did

it. Once on the ground, the captain got on the PA and said: "Sorry,

folks! But that was better than the last landing when I had to change




What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads

have been paved. There's not a problem in America today, crime,

drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied,

if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.

People who live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life

is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth

sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home ...

a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.

We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if

our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids,

from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in

our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two

dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5

barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no

drive by shootings.

Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did

not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists

were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or

the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your

windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience.

Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in

your car for a quart of milk, you walked to the barn for your

milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box. What if it

rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best

part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted

marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony road on Daddy's

shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than


At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words

tasted like soap. Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads

more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the

end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was

in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would

fill it with too much zucchini.

At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime

income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to

hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar


always you got a new friend ... at the end of a Dirt Road.

Paul Harvey


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: Everyone

DATE: December 1

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take

place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's

Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a

small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And

don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director=20

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish

employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which

often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same

policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics=20

Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table

that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I

supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins

the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and

sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can

appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our

Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your

meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of

year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for

members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert

buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to

do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the

burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but

we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the

band's breaks.


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress

up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be

"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red

suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family

feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. =

Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep

this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so

you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"

as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,

including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too.

Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party.

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery

from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards

to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to

cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off

with full pay.