First Cat Socks Clinton...

...was found unconscious in a Washington cat house Monday, strung out on cat nip and in the company of Siamese Twins. Surgeon General Ben Casey stated, "It will be a day or two before we can get the full story since the cat is so high its eyes just keep bouncing first left and then right, like one of those creepy 1950's clocks."

Investigators from the office of Independent Counsel Ken Starr are checking into whether Socks might have passed on sensitive information to the Siamese, or whether the Siamese may have contributed to the Democratic Party in return for favors or fish treats.

At this point, what is known is that Socks has been depressed lately, ostensibly because his master had taken a liking to dogs. In the July issue of Cat Quarterly, the celebrity feline communicated his frustrations with lack of petting and combing time, resulting in a trip to the hospital for a gargantuan hairball being hacked up during a Summit Peace Conference. In June, the long-time White House gardener, Don Hoe, abruptly quit the staff, blaming Socks for using the Rose Garden as his favorite dumping ground while the litter tray remained unused for weeks. A red flag went up when White House security apprehended a widely known cat nip dealer, who goes by the street name of "Mouser", attempting to scale the south-west wall with over two ounces of high grade nip in a Hello Kitty backpack. First Lady Hilary Clinton stated, "A large plate of Gulf Shrimp will be waiting for Socks when he is released. I know what that poor cat is going through. I have been there and can feel his pain."

Credit: Bill Stebins