EXPECT TO GROAN!

(The first one is run together to sorta' save space.) Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam," he replied curteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?"asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam! Sleep well?" "Yes thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though - they really weren't that nice at all," Mary replied truthfully. "Oh, well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!"

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Puns are basically plays on words. There are many different kinds of puns, and here are some of the most clever. An example of a pun is the expression funny bone. The source of the feeling when you strike your arm comes from the humerus. In 1840, someone realized that it is pronounced the same way as humorous. So, the bone was dubbed the funny bone. This is a pun that is part of our everyday language.

Sign in a hair salon: Curl up and dye.

On a diaper service truck: Rock a dry baby.At a tire store: Time to re-tire.

Music store window: Guitars for sale. Cheap. No strings attached.

"I'm a softball pitcher," said Bob underhandedly.

"I'm going to kill Dracula," said Bob painstakingly.

"Ships ahoy," said Bob fleetingly.

"I'll have to take the telegrapher's test again," said Bob remorsely.

Old postal workers never die -- They just loose their ZIP.

Old mimes never die -- They're just not heard from again.

Old reporters never die -- They just meet their deadlines.

Old electricians never die -- They just loose their spark.

CIA agents aren't fired -- They are despised.

Podiatrists aren't fired -- They are defeated.

Judges aren't fired -- They are dishonored.

Magicians aren't fired -- They are dispelled.Acrostic -- An angry insect.

Metronome -- A city elf.Stucco -- What you get when you sit on gummo.

Khakis -- What you use to start your automobile in Boston.

Psychologist: A person that pulls habits out of rats.

One frog to another: Time's fun when your having flies.

Olympic officials: The souls that time men's tries.

Ecologists beleive that a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."